Waltz of the Pants
by Squirrel Crumpet
Summary: The pants of the Sk cast are nothing short of spontaneous & comical. Rated for nonexistent blood & blatant stupidity. Not recommended for old men & people who like eating turnovers.
1. Hao

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e P.a.n.t.s**

Disclaimer : It's a pity that Shaman King is not mine.

I apologize in advance for my substandard writing. I am sorry if you did not find my humor story humorous at all. I do not blame you. I agree whole heartedly. Actually, no. I am not sorry. I laugh in all your faces...

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waltz Function: verb intransitive senses 1 : to dance a waltz 2 : to move or advance in a lively or conspicuous manner : flounce

pant Function: noun Etymology: short for pantaloons 1 : an outer garment covering each leg separately and usually extending from the waist to the ankle -- usually used in plural

**Dedicated to the pants wearing people of Earth.

* * *

H**

ao awoke to the sound of snickering. Seeing as how his vision was not clear at the moment, he'd assumed the snickering was coming from the donut in his dream, who was practically begging to be eaten. He sat up and stated, "Fear not, donut dear...I'm coming! I'm coming...I shall ingest you soon...!" Upon further investigation, he found to his displeasure that the snickering belonged to his pants. Of all the things in the world...his pants were laughing for no apparent reason. 

"Greetings, Hao-sama," saluted his pants. "It is I, your pants who have made you the man you are today; it was not your hair!" "Indeed," said Hao who was laughing evilly for unknown reasons. His laughing having had subsided, he thought long and hard at what his pants had said. He patted/stroked his silky long hair lovingly, its shiny-ness which took years upon years to perfect. This same shiny-ness, when looked at, could burn one's eyes like a thousand suns; it was that radiant. Countless victims just had to look at his hair to exclaim, "My eyes! My eyes! They burn like a thousand suns!".

But back to the pants. Yes, they were truly magnificent. Green and baggy, with a red belt w/ a star on the buckle. The things on the side, which can only be described as "thingies" (which are red, & and described as descriptively as possible), would billow in the wind, if there was any. At this moment, at this time and this place, there was no wind anywhere. What the pants were doing right about now, Hao would not know, for they were hanging from the ceiling laughing wickedly. His pants spoke once again. "I was watching the telly yesterday, mate and it told me to eat bubbles and squeak! Blimey! Them lit'il crisps and biscuits...they're just too cute! Don't get me started on water closets, mate now is the time to insert what you think the laughter of talking pants sounds like! Feel free to make as many sound affects as you want!" (AN: Not trying to insult British English; just thought it'd be rather fun fun fun to put in)

**BRIEF PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT**

**I**f this story is scaring you, I suggest you run out of house, on to the street, screaming, "THERE'S A SQUIRREL IN MY PANTS!" with your arms flailing as if they could not bear to stop. Run to the nearest...uh...CALENDAR STORE! Tell them that you ordered a calendar, ages ago, but didn't remember to pick it up. It was not your fault you were delayed by those pathetic monkeys with their cakeholes, now was it? Yes, that should help (I borrowed this concept from Captain Underpants. An enchanting series, I should say. )!

**BACK TO THE STORY**

"Shall we dance, Hao-sama?" inquired the pants. "We shall", deduced Hao. They started dancing a lively dance, that can only be described as the waltz. It was rather lovely to see, a young boy dancing with his pants. It surely would have made any parents proud. The whole Shaman King cast had randomly appeared, and there they were, on their stomachs and laughing. Well, most of them. Except Anna. She was laughing internally (she's too buff, you see, to be laughing whilst everyone else is!). Characters, such as Faust VIIII, Tao Jun, & Silva, were much too tall to be laughing on their stomachs - there would not be enough room for EVERYONE to be laughing on their stomachs! - so they just laughed...whilst standing. Oh yes, laugh, all you want, Shaman King cast, for you are next! Erm...yay!  
-


	2. Tamao

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e P.a.n.t.s**

Tamao stared in awe at the squirrel in front of her. In its cute, adorable, tiny, furry paws, it held out a diamond. Erm, a few diamonds, rather. Just kidding. It was bucketfuls!

Tamao wondered if this had anything to do with diamonds being a girl's best friend. If it did, then she was frightened. So frightened to the point where even her brain stopped cooperating and started to work on its own (y'know, "a mind of its own..."), somehow...Suddenly, a very loud SNAP is heard as Tamao's brain has snapped back in place (make your own sound effects; it need not be a SNAP!).

She concluded that this must be happening as a result of her thinking about who was closest to her. Who had always stayed by her side, through the terrible hardships she had been through? Who had always been there to commend her on a job well done? Most of all, who had been there through the good and the bad? No, it was not the can of Spam in her pants, conveniently tucked there for emergencies. No, it was not Conchi or Ponchi...it wasn't even kokkuri-sama!

Suddenly, it hit her like a rock. Literally. "Ooof," she was heard to exclaim. She also mumbled, "Stupid author!" "I should have known all along...it was SO obvious! It's my hair," she shouted joyously.

"I'm afraid not, mate," interrupted her pants who put an abrupt stop to her joyous dancing. "It...it's not," said Tamao.

"Nope, for I am your best friend! WAH-HA-HA-HA etc. Whoever thought of diamonds being a girl's best friend...it was rather unique, yes. But whoever thought of pants being a girl's best friend...that concept was ingenious! Which was me, your pants," exclaimed the pants in pure joy. "Oh, I should have known! I'm such a boffin," said a shocked Tamao, who at present isn't shocked any longer. The pants squealed in delight for reasons unknown to the reader and author.

"Tamao," the pants started to say, "I have not told you this sooner because I wanted to cause you anguish. In addition to that, it was rather to fun watching you going on and on about irrelevant things with your cakehole! I am, I shall, and will always be your pants. I am your one friend who is an inatimate object who can talk! I have shaped who you are today."

"Hooray," said a very bored Tamao. Some musicians randomly appear out of nowhere, and start playing rather lively music. It's the kind of music that makes you feel all special. It's...you guessed it...TIME TO WALTZ!

Before that can happen, the pants have one last request. "Tamao, please take this can of Spam out of my pocket, please. I know it's for emergencies, but some monkeys with banana covered cakeholes attempted to chase me! Luckily, they sniffed me and smelt how malodorous I was," giggled the pants.

"Oh, alright. But the Spam's going back in after we waltz, you know," said Tamao all-knowingly.

The pants was a surprisingly good dancer; even the Shaman King cast watching even noticed this (they were all squished in a box this time...somehow!). Seeing Tamao dance with her newly found soul mate, her best friend ever, made the Shaman King cast cry. It instilled in them the values of friendship and to never put cans of Spam in your pants.


	3. HoroHoro

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e P.a.n.t.s**

HoroHoro cried. He laughed. He showed signs of anger. He smiled a smile of pure insanity. There was a smile of joy too. He tried being gentlemanly. He was elusive. He was sure he was hallucinating. Or going insane.

Could it be that his pants were waltzing? No, this could not be! What had he done to deserve such a cruel and unsual punishment?

At present, the pants were doing salutations to the sun. This was when HoroHoro "lost it". He laughed his head off. He made odd animal sounds. He fell to the ground. In doing so, if possible, made him laugh harder than before.

"Restrain yourself, man!", said the almighty pants. "Huh?", said HoroHoro. "It is I, the pants of HoroHoro! I am proud to tell the world that I am ever so masculine! It is with great honor that you, yes you, HoroHoro shall be the next insert whatever ."

"Shukudi wa inu ni taberare mashita," sniffed HoroHoro. "I do not see how your dog eating you homework concerns me, but fear not HoroHoro! We have insurance!" said the pants. "Heehee, look at me! I'm riding a pony! Tu porte le pantalon (Are you wearing pants?)?"

"Whatever. And no, I'm not wearing pants seeing as how YOU are my pants and running crazily through the woods, if there were any woods in my room...", said HoroHoro. "Let's make butter cream icing! Strawberries in paraffin! Yummy yummy! Choc-co-lit-drops! Tee hee hee!"

"Yuki-daruma tsukurou!", said the pants in all its glory. "No, I would prefer to bask in your glory, almighty pants!", wailed HoroHoro. :bask:

"That's enough of that, don't you think? I think we should waltz!",the pants inquuired. "I concur", HoroHoro readily agreed.  
They walzted even though there twas no music. They danced as if they hadn't a care in the world; it would not matter to them if the entire universe were to come crashing down on them today. They danced on until the night. Sorry, I was merely jesting. It was for two days to say the very least.

The Shaman King cast laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed (haha-run on sentence) for this was simply amusing. (One would think by now that they should not laugh at others for their turn is next!). This time, they were all in squirrel costumes and looking quite adorable in a very twisted way! No one had to laugh whilst standing either (they laughed while hanging every which way and scampering too-on trees! For you see, if one is wearing a squirrel costume, one must act the part).

By far, this had been the stupidest and funniest pants epic they had seen yet. Mind boggling as well.


	4. Faust VIII

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s**

Disclaimer : Shaman King isn't mine

**Dedicated to the pants wearing people of the world; you people are much too cool!**

Faust VIII : The Occult Pants

Where do the pants end and where do the boots start? Whatever are the kneepads for? Why are there blue thingies on the glorious pants? All your questions.....and more will be answered if you read on, my friend!

Before that can take place though, something else has happened........

HoroHoro suddenly walks out of a gap in the time space continuum, eating......uh........stuff. Yeah. He spots none other than Faust VIII, the jolly necromancer sitting in a corner, laughing as though he could not bear to stop.

"Er....Faust VIII? Um.....GUTEN TAG??", said HoroHoro in a frightened tone.

"You.....how DARE you speak in my native tongue, you.....you........", said the necromancer.

"......ainu?", guessed HoroHoro. "Ja (yes).....THAT.", said Faust VIII, who was evidently surprised that HoroHoro even had the capacity to finish other people's sentences.

"Anyway, since you've interrupted the wonderful explanation about my pants, you shall pay! WUAH HA HA HA etc.", said Faust, whilst summoning Eliza. "Eliza....PUMMEL HIM YOUR WITH FEMALE FIST OF FURY!"

Eliza did pummel the ainu.....almost. Before she could, he had ran back into the gap in the time space continuum and disappeared, crying like the mere child he was.

"Pathetic kinder (children).....wasting my time like that......Meine (my) Eliza, you may rest...yes, do go,"said Faust VIII. In saying so, Eliza dropped to the ground as the heap of bones she previouly was. Yay, back to the pants!

How does one explain the abstruse pants of Faust VIII? For one thing, it has nothing to do with Spam. Secondly, it is not magic, although in a different sense, all pants are.

"Hooray! Look at me, everyone! I'm not a dummkpof!", said the necromancer enthusastically.

Yes yes. Whatever you say. Back to the glorious pants that have no name.

The boots do not end the pants. They merely cover up the full extension of the pants in all their glory.

The kneepads are so that when rabid squirrels should attack, they would not get his knees.

Second, the kneepads are very useful for sliding across the floor/ground during a Shaman fight to get out of harm's way without hurting one's knees.

Third, the kneepads enable Faust VIII to look really really cool. And alluring!!! Fourth, the kneepads make Faust VIII.........rather......manly.

The bluish thingies? I suppose they're so he looks unique. It adds to the overall presentation of the pants, too! In addition to that, they're really rolled up leg warmers, 'cuz Faust is really a ballerina in disguise.

Underneath that harsh and rather frightening exterior is a man named Faust VIII who enjoys ballet, unicorns, frolicking through fields of daisies and such.

Did I not mention that his pants are black?? Well, they are. A very inscrutable color, I might add.

After this very thorough and long explanation covering the aspects of Faust VIII's pants, the pants started to speak.

"Mutti (my mom)!", shouted the pants! "Nein (no), I think not, my delightful pants!", said Faust.

It was then that the pants started talking on and on at length on how they could not waltz. "Keine Sorge (Don't worry), meine (my) pants! I, Faust VIII, shall waltz, you shall follow through the many fields of daisies!", exclaimed Faust VIII.

The pants bowed, honored to have the chance to waltz with Faust VIII.

It was the most frightening thing the Shaman King cast had ever seen while sitting admist a field of daisies. It was by far the most frighteneing thing of the century, even if they had not lived that long.

Questions such as "I though he loved Eliza?", "Hey, I waltzed w/ my pants too! But how come mine knew how to waltz? huh? huh? huh? That's what I would like to know!", and the ever popular question(s) : "Why must this cruel fate be forced upon me?", "Why must pants waltz?", & "Whoever will this happen to next?" were left unanswered.

Faust VIII and his pants waltzed and waltzed. It was great fun, or so it seemed. Thus ends the mystery of Faust VIII's pants. At least it should end......for if it did not, perhaps Eliza should pummel you with her female fist of fury.

A/N : Thanks for reading! My german is so very little! I had to add german in there for Faust VIII is german! Hooray for pants and all that they stand for! Read on, for I have acknowledged those who have reviewed! Please?

**sakuuya** - Here's Faust's chappie, as you wanted! Fear not, the humor won't ever change!  
**SeraphimRequiem**-thanks!! So glad you liked it!  
**Elise** & **thomascrapper**-thanks a million times over!  
**Mernda**-merci beaucoup for always reading and always reviewing even if you don't like Shaman King!


	5. Tao Ren

**W.a.l.t.z o.f t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s**

**Dedicated to those who wear pants, not those with wings…whoever they might be…**

_Tao Ren : My pants are me and I am them_

_'I do not care what the others have to say'_, thought the shaman named Tao Ren who was destined for greatness. _'They can banter all they want, it shan't make a difference. For they know...my pants are far superior to theirs!'_

Before the wonders of the the pants are described, an enigma must be told. For you see, Ren probably has the most pairs of pants out of all the characters in Shaman King! And to tell the story of just a pair of pants would be a shame. There is almost an inummerable amount of of pants, and if they aren't acknowledged, they won't ever have the chance to tell the world of their wonders. And that...would just be sad!

At first glance, Ren's navy blue shorts (they aren't exactly PANTS, but use your imagination!), appear to be just shorts. But there is more to them than just appearance; more than what is on the surface, my friend.

These pants (yes, the authoress is well aware that they are shorts but no matter! They're going to be PANTS in this story!), enabled Ren to do those seemingly magical things on television, the manga, in dreams and crazed fantasies which Ren does not want to know about (even if they're about his pants...)!

Things such as when he says (to Yoh), "Ha ha, you pathetic excuse for a pants-wearer! I'm gonna beat the pants off of your pants!". This quote would probably only be said in a perfect world, in a world where pants shall rule w/ squirrels as thier mistresses!

Don't forget the time when he was in la la la land - he stated, "I will become Ruler of the Pants!" And "I'm wearing evil pants right now, so get out of my pants storage closet if you don't want to die!"

Those quotes were highly amusing, yes? Well, you have not even heard the BEST of the BEST! It's when he said (in a perfect world, remeber?), "I will become the Pants King, even if ponies stomple me to the ground!"

Hooray! The description of the most festive, manly looking pants you ever heard of is coming up!

These pants were intriguing. They had a certain aura to them. Navy blue, long, baggy, w/ a nice cheerful bow at the top that's white. There are yellow to golden stitches on the side, in the shape of X's. It made many passersby cry if they were lucky enough to be blinded by their manliness!

Did you think this was over? It's not, friend! There is still one more pair of pants that still needs describing!

These pants were black and had a white ginormous(or however one spells it...) bow to tie at the very top! Although they're very fascinating, they aren't nearly as festive as the navy blue ones w/ gold stitches on the side!

Because three pairs of pants were described, of course three pairs of pants shall waltz! They came to life, instantly declaring, "I'M waltzing with Ren first!" In the process of saying so, they had all jumped on him, tackling him to the ground!

"Silly pants...were you thinking that I would waltz with my own pants? DID YOU?", asked Ren. The pants all nodded. "Well...right you are!"

The pants all waltzed w/ Ren, each taking turns after one song was finished. They floated. They flew. No, they were _soaring_. The pants were not satisfied. It was not enough to to just waltz. They had to tackle Ren to the ground (again), of course. The Shaman King cast was not quite sure what was happening. It made their brains hurt after thinking too much, so they stopped thinking altogether.

Amazingly enough, they (Shaman King cast) did not laugh this time. It was inevitable. Resistance was futile...the pants were coming, and they were to be the next supreme rulers, the next american idol, the next (insert whatever).

A/N : It is I, the writer of this story! Hello! It was rather short, ne? Does Ren have more than just 3 pairs of pants? I would not know; I have not died. Right...

**sakuuya** - thanks for reviewing, again! No one else has yet...so I've only acknowledged you! You must feel really special now, too! THE GRAND TOTAL OF REVIEWS IS...9! Thanks to you!


	6. Lyserg Diethel

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s**

**Dedicated to the pants wearing people of the world who really do exist.**

_Lyserg Diethel : Not Just Gray_

To any average, normal, everyday person, Lyserg Diethel's pants were just...pants. Did you know that the average, everyday, normal person is WRONG? Well, they are. Lyserg's pants are far from ordinary. You may look at them and say, "They're just gray."

This proves to be wrong, for his pants aren't merely gray! "How can you speak of them so plainly?" (points to a random person).

They (the pants, in case you did not know/were confused), are gray...and MAGICAL! They shined; sparkled as Lyserg walked. In addition to that, they are long and cover his legs, ankles, etc. so they do not get burned from the almighty sun.

Would anyone have such good fortune as to be able to witness these pants every single day of their dull, unmagical lives? I think not.

Lyserg's pants added the "u" in "fun". Without the pants, it would just be "fn!". His pants made magic magical. They made gray the "new black". These pants emphasized the importance of looking cool and staying in school (A/N : I just HAD to put the school part in!).

The dowser's pants enable him to use his dowsing thingy effectively and with great agility. The pants also spark that crazed look on his face whenever he sees or thinks of Hao; an expression of insanity, you could say.

Did you think his fairy, (insert fairy's name here), stayed by his side because she is Lyserg's spirit ally? This thinking is incorrect, friend; (insert fairy's name here) accompanies Lyserg because she has pledged loyalty to his almighty pants.

Interesting, that bit just above, wasn't it? Well, the real story's just starting...so read...or DIE (I kid!).

Lyserg Diethel was frolicking w/ some squirrels on a glorious sunny day. He wore his green plaid cape thingie, a white shirt w/ a red bow, and his ever intriguing pants, of course. Then (bum bum bum!), HIS PANTS SPOKE.

They spoke of lost worlds, of sugar, boxes, and eggs. This sudden event scared Lyserg out of his pants. Literally. He was so frightened, he did what was suggested in the first chapter (note-read "brief public announcement" in first chapter).

Before the story is continued, a question is asked : Is it possible for yet another pair of pants to waltz? But of course, my friend!

To get straight to the point, the boy and his pants waltzed. It was very much like how a butterfly moves; the way in which Lyserg and his pants executed the waltzing steps was beautiful, in more ways than one. The pants were well aware of the many pairs of eyes watching, and was highly amused. The pants waltzed faster and faster (w/ Lyserg in tow); it was so fast that not even the dowser could keep up!

It was then that Lyserg fainted, for the excitement and horror of his pants pants waltzing overwhelmed him. The pants slapped Lyserg on the side of the head w/ a single pant leg while laughing wickedly. This brought the dowser back to his senses and he was heard to exclaim, "THERE'S A SQUIRREL IN MY PANTS!"

The Shaman King cast was mentally scarred for life after witnessing this series of events. This made terrible, horrible, gut-wrenching (highly descriptive! Hooray!) images appear repeatedly in their minds of the past pants epics. Although they were mentally scarred, some laughed.

A select few could never fully forgive Lyserg for joining the X-laws, which explains why the intriguing pants were ripped to bits. The waltzing pants of Lyserg...were no more. Then, Lyserg killed everyone present w/ his dowsing thingie. The End. JUST KIDDING!

The dowser was depressed, but suddenly brightened when his pants magically stitched themselves back together and waltzed w/ Lyserg once more. "Yippee Skippee!", said the boy whom the pants were waltzing with. Lyserg and his pants danced happily ever after.

But that does not mean the pants aren't coming - they shall come in good time...oh yes, they shall, faithful reader!

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**SpazzyJikoco**- was it really that brilliant? Do you really, truly mean it? I want a monster thing to live in my heating vents, too! You're sooooo lucky.

**sakuuya**-Was this warm, special feeling that you speak of coming from your pants? I believe it is so!

**KimBob**-Your suggstions were rather odd! I like them! Anna & the non-pants wearing others shall have a special chapter just for them:laughs evilly:


	7. Manta Oyamada

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s**

Disclaimer : Shaman King isn't mine

**Dedicated to the pants people of the world; please keep "rocking" as you always have!**

Manta Oyamada : Pants Unlike Any Other

Manta Oyamada. He's just like any other boy. He atends school. He has friends. He eats. He inhales oxygen.

Sounds like a pretty ordinary kid, right? Well...that's both right and wrong.

Manta wears pants...which is pretty ordinary in the real world, but not in this story, for this sory is not of this world. He is also the heir to the prestigous Oyamada Electronics Company. Which is far from ordinary...not many boys are heirs to muti-million dollar corporations.

For your reading pleasure, I implore you to utilize your imagination during this upcoming section. You will find it highly uncool if you do not! Or, if you would rather be cynical, which is fine by me, and do not do what I have so kindly asked, you shall suffer, because then the story would be lightless and unmagical. Which wouldn't be fun at all. (AN : Did you take this seriously? Silly! I was kidding!).

Manta's pants are green. The most vivid green anyone could ever hope to see (this is where your imagination would be put to good use!). His pants may be something that even the poorest of the poor does not have; he has PANTS THAT ARE FIT FOR A MIDGET.

Now, if Manta were to grow a couple inches (in height; not width), he might be able to wear pants that are fit for a king! Or talking ham sandwiches.

Good. The fact that Manta's pants are green is established. But did you know that on these pants that are rich in the color called green, have...dare I say it? POCKETS. These pockets are conveniently found on the back of the pants, postioned on the rear end.

Are you excited yet? Well, if you aren't, here's the most exciting part about Manta's pants. A ZIPPER! Which can be found where most zippers are customarily put. Y'know, a ZIPPER! It has this thingy that you pull up so that it closes the thingies on the side! The zipper...invented so that people can tell you, "Examine your zipper!(xyz!)", in the unlikely event that it should be open!

Repetition is good, isn't it? It drills things into your head so that you will remember it, regardless of whether you want to or not. Which is why I will repeat. MANTA HAS PANTS THAT ARE FIT FOR A MIDGET. That's because he IS a midget!

Imagine if you will, the length of these petty/midget-y pants. It's about 3 squirrels (very much alive and not dead) stacked on top of each other vertically in length. In width, it would be about 5 eggs put side to side.

That was rather tedious, reading all that info, huh? GUESS WHAT? It gets even better!

Manta, knowing full well that since this chaper was titled "Manta Oyamada : Pants Unlike Any Other", knew that it was his turn to waltz. Not wanting to be scared by the abrupt speech his pants were going to soon make, he dediced to be the first to talk.

He put sheets of cheese, imported from France, all around his house (imagination,people!), in the hopes of preventing the Shaman King cast from witnessing the seemingly most hilairious thing they'd ever seen. But, as you all know, the Shaman King cast got in anyway, thanks to Horohoro who ate the 1,000 pounds of cheese!

He then preceded to talk to his pants. Being unsuccessful, he kicked (oh dear!) his pants high into the sky. But the pants, who were strong mentally and physically, and landed back onto the floor. The pants would speak of their own accord.

Manta curled up into a ball and sucked his thumb. He had failed so extravagantly. It's at such moments like these, my friends, that pants talk and our worst fears are realized.

Manta's pants did not talk. They simply went through a series of pants signals, commonly known as "the sign language of the pants." When he pants mimed waltzing, Manta knew what that meant. Nothing good could come from this, and he already knew that the Shaman King cast had managed to get in.

And so they waltzed. The Shaman King cast (including the non-pants wearing others), all watched in stunned silence, enraptured. When had Manta learned to waltz so well? Why, just a minute ago, when someone pounded into his head the rules of waltzing. With a hammer.

**HOORAY! HERE COMES THE EXCITING PART : PART TWO!  
**Choose how you would like this to end (no, you are not voting...)

(**A**)-Manta stopped suddenly in the middle of waltzing. He dediced to go to France and jumped off the Eiffel (how do you spell that?) Tower, only to be rescued by his pants. Manta decides to become a mime and let his pants become the heir to the Oyamda Electronics Co.

(**B**)-Mannoko (manta's little sister), stole the pants after the wonderful waltz and sold them on ebay. To purchase the pants you had to surrender 6 dollars, 5 dollies, 15 sticks of butter, and one live squirrel. Someone actually agreed to this ridiculous deal and the pants were sold. The pants never waltzed again, and Manta lost the only waltzing partner he ever had.

(**C**)-The Shaman King cast was so touched by how adorable the waltz was that they took 50 snapshots of this waltz. 50 photos of the most lively waltz ever, captured on film. 50 Kodak moments. 50 photos that Manta would rip into confetti if it were ever in his possesion.

-

AN : Repost Feb. 17! Yay!

**KimBob**-Thanks for the note about Ren's 4th pair of pants! I can't change it now, but thanks for reading my author's note. I didn't think that people would actually read those...(insert happy face here). Just so you know, you're the only one who reviewed so far, so thanks! Strawberries in paraffin for you!

**sakuuya**-about your last review-I kind of responded incorrectly, so...here's a much better response! It's great that you had a warm, special feeling! He/she was rather friendly. Do warm special feelings like butercream icing? Oh yes, I was reading you profile...why do you dislike Yami Yugi so greatly? Just wondering...he's rather charismatic, you know!


	8. Bokuto no Ryu

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s**

**Dedicated to all the pants wearing people of Earthwho have taught me how to live my life.**

_Bokuto no Ryu: Gangster Searching for a Place to Belong_

Bokuto no Ryu is a gangster with a sword. A wooden one, at that. Ryu is a lonely wanderer, searching for a place to belong—his happy place. Unbeknownst to him, his happy place has been right under his nose all along. His happy place is...his PANTS!

On a once sunny but now hurricane- like day, Ryu was brandishing his wooden sword. A squirrel came out of a nearby vending machine, in an attempt to unveil the true happy place of this lost soul—the lost soul's very own pants.

Ryu, seeing the squirrel, immediately ran up to it. The squirrel instructed Ryu to inspect his pants pockets. Ryu did so, and pulled out a handful of butter snacks. "No, no. The pocket on your left buttock, fellow traffic safety friend!" the squirrel said, being ever so patient and the planner of all things evil. (the good type of evil.)

He searched the pocket, and there it was. An exact replica of his long white pants in all their glory in key chain form. Puzzled, he tried putting the glorious pants on the wonderful squirrel.

The squirrel, which is now named "I-am-not-fluffy", refused profusely. "Silly child. These pants in all their glory aren't for me to toy with! Your pants and this key chain are your Happy Place! Go forth and enjoy them thoroughly."

I-am-not-fluffy ran off into the distance, hoping to bring about more chaos to the next lost soul he/she found.

Before the rejoicing of Ryu can take place, an explanation is in order. Ryu's pants are white. How he keeps them so clean, no one knows. Even I-am-not-fluffy has yet to achieve anything of that magnitude, for his/her pants are brown and furry! (squirrels are higher beings, so we shall overlook that fact.)

The wooden swordsman's pants are bell-bottoms, and flare out near the bottom. The classic zipper, pockets, and button add to the aura of these pants. Since the key chain is an exact replica, it of course looks just like the pants.

And so Ryu rejoiced. "In your face, sucker! I found my Happy Place and **you** didn't!" he said enthusiastically while pointing to a vending machine.

Ryu's pants came to life, declaring "I am Ryu's pants. I have come in many pieces that were sewn together. Let us dance the night away, Ryu!"

"Hello, my dear pants who are larger than life! Are you part of my Happy Place package?" inquired Ryu.

"Your 'Happy Place package'?" said the pants. –pause- "But of course, my friend! I am here to bring you eternal happiness!"

"Oh joy!" exclaimed Ryu. "I suppose we should waltz now, shouldn't we?" "Oh yes, we should!" said the pants with a dignified air.

As the sparkly white pants waltzed with once lost gangster, the Shaman King cast all cheered. The cheering was not directed at the rather lively waltz but at the replica of Ryu's pants in key chain form.

The key chain too was waltzing, but declared, "Death to children's playthings!" "Yeah! Yeah! And to women's socks!" said Ren.

The laughing and cheering subsided. All eyes turned to stare at Ren. Even the waltzing duo stopped. "W...What? They're not manly enough to be seen by the likes of me!" he stated in an attempt to defend himself.

"Isn't THAT lovely!" said I-am-not-fluffy, who had appeared after wreaking havoc upon some pedestrians. "Commence the waltzing—phase II!"

"Yay!" said Ryu and the ever clean pants. They waltzed the night away in pure insanity, with I-am-not-fluffy and the key chain amongst the many who threw assorted butter sticks at the pants who were free from dirt or stains.

With a deflective shield to protect them, the brilliant pants reflected the pathetic attempts to dirty the unsoiled pants of Ryu! "All of you have troubled my perfect pants! Feel their wrath as you are crushed by less than a pound of fabric!" said Ryu.

Everyone fled from the waltz in sheer horror, afraid of what would become of themselves if the larger than life pants unleashed their fury in less than a pound of fabric. Not the key chain, though!

It had to stay in order to carry out phase II of the waltz. Ryu, his more than perfect pants, and the key chain waltzed until the edge of the Earth, where they fell off.

* * *

**A Pathetic Drabble**

A candy cane was flying in circles around Ren's head. It ran up and down his face, too, speaking gibberish all the while.

Ren took the annoying specimen off his face and threw it on the ground. Then he pummeled it, tackeled it, and stompled all over it.

Satisfied, he laughed evilly and ran away. HoroHoro spotted the few remains of the candy cane, and, while wearing knickerbockers, ate it.

THE END. Definitely.

* * *

_**To my reviewers, whom I hold in the highest esteem**_

**KimBob—**Please tell your friend thanks and to be afraid--be very afraid! You probably don't know this, but people tell/ask me "You're crazy" & "Why do you like squirrels?" practically everyday of my uneventful life!

**Kura**—I love waltzing pants, too! (which is why I wrote a story about them!) I can't believe you thought this story was weird...I guess you haven't REALLY seen weird before...I have a question for you! Aren't you MOKUBAisMINE?


	9. Yoh

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s**

Disclaimer: Shaman King isn't mine

**Dedicated to the pants wearing people of the world; may you live to be as old all of your pants**.

Yoh Asakura : the True Pants King

The myriad pairs of pants that belonged to Yoh Asakura bowed at his feet, the feet of the true Pants King! The pants had stapled Yoh to his rightful throne. At present, they are dancing in circles around him, and performing a type of ritual that involved odd things. Things like the cutting off of Yoh's hair and stuffing it in their "faces". (pants **do** have faces!)

You may remember when Ren said he would become Pants King, even IF ponies stompled him to the ground. He is sadly mistaken! It is with great sorrow that I tell you this – Ren only has 4 pairs of pants, whilst Yoh has _five_! (gasp!) Only the one who wields the most pairs of pants of them all can be crowned the Pants King. So Ren could NEVER become Pants King, no matter how hard ponies stompled on him!

Yoh Asakura is…the QUEEN OF SCOTS! No, that's not right! He's the PANTS KING! Pants King is a position that comes with great honor and practically limitless power! Power that could make you quake in your wittle boots!

Yoh's pants, which were rather refined, knew the art of speaking like a true Pants King quite well. They taught him this fine art. He must always say words with "pant" or "pants" or the actual words "pants" or "pant" in every single sentence he spoke, even if it did not pertain to what he was speaking of.

Words like pantagruel, pantalets, panther, pantaloon, pantechnicon, pantelleria, pantheism, pantheon, panties, pantile, pantoffle, pantograph, pantology, pantomime, pantoscope, pantothenic acid, pantoum, pantry, pants, pantsuit, pantyhose and pantywaist.

Ah, such is the duty of the Pants King to speak in such a manner. Which goes without saying that some of us already speak that way…

It's time to describe the jolly-good pants of Yoh Asakura. Perhaps the pair of pants Yoh is seen in oftener than naught stole the show! These pants are the sole reason you all adore Shaman King…the pants that are shown so much that whenever you chance to see them , you clap and think of them as your long lost friend.

When the pants aren't shown for a minute (or less!), you start to worry. You start to believe that the foul-evil-pants-eating-monster-not-a-homo-sapien has taken away your beloved pants! Then, when they are shown after an excruciating 30 seconds (give/take a few…), your eyes well up and your relief is so great that words fail to describe what you feel.

These pants are an olive green, very much like the color of green olives. When seen on Yoh, they are always rolled up a bit, maybe this is so that only the most worthy of all the pants-wearers could see them! (Mr. Clean, perhaps?) A black belt with a silver oval buckle adorns the pleasant belt loops.

However, there are still more pairs of pants to describe. The infamous battle pants shall be described…now! The longer pair of battle pants Yoh has in his possession are black, with orange lining the top portion of his pockets to indicate where they are located in that confusing black mass of cloth.

The rather shorter pair (well, because they're shorts!), are black as well…and short! Orange engulfs the very bottom of the shorts in a single line.

Have you ever wondered why Yoh wins the majority of battles he faced? I certainly have, and have come to this conclusion! He won not because his hair is brown or because he has headphones on his head.

He wins because he wears his OMNIPOTENT battle pants. The power within both of the battle pants are highly frightening. They can make you dance like an idiot…or even worse…they can STEAL YOUR PANTS! Oh, the injustice of it all!

Ah, yes! The orange pants with matching orange sweatshirt! They aren't shorts, capris or jammies! They're long and baggy-like! What color would these pants be but orange? Oh, and they are quite soft! Much like a baby's bottom! Or butter that has sat on the counter top much too long. Usually, these pants are worn over the battle outfit with coordinating sweatshirt.

Before the explanation of the 5th pair of pants, Yoh suddenly burst into song, singing something about how wonderfully orange the color of a squirrel's fur is. His merry making was put to halt when 5 pairs of pants belonging to him chucked elaborately decorated cakes at him.

As the last chords of the now barely inaudible song died down, the quest for knowledge about Yoh's pants starts up again.

GUESS WHAT?!? It's PANTS NUMBER 5, THAT'S WHAT! WOOOOO! The 5th pair of pants that Yoh owns! These pants must stink like eggs-on-a-stick, for they are Yoh's training pants! They are navy blue, a color that is rich in blue with bits of black. Running along both sides of each pants leg is a thin orange line. It's rather obvious that Yoh's training pants aren't bell-bottoms nor are they boot cut! They're just sweatpants…hence "stink like eggs-on-a-stick."

After all this time, Yoh has come back from waging war against the elaborately decorated cakes, covered in pounds upon pounds of frosting and pieces of cake. "Orange stripes, you say? I like orange. Orange is the color of _squirrel fur_. Orange g o o d!" rambled Yoh.

Then, Yoh sat thinking. _'Hmmm…well, since I'm the Pants King, that makes those cool pants of mine my ever loyal servants, right? Right.'_ "Hey, you!" exclaimed Yoh. The pants all turned their heads, pointing at themselves with a single pant leg.

"No, no! The _green_ one!" The green pair of pants with coolio black belt skipped merrily on up to the throne of the Pants King. "Yes, you! I dub thee…Sir Roasted Paperclip of the Green Pants Knight." "Hooray!" squealed Sir Roasted Paperclip of the Green Pants Knight.

The pants all had their turns and were all dubbed. The long black battle pants were dubbed "Sir My Little Pony of the Long Black Battle Pants."

The battle shorts were "Squire Squared Cheese of the Black Battle Pants."

The silly orange pants became "Sir Women's Socks of the Orange Sweatpants."

Last, and certainly not least, were his navy blue training pants, dubbed "Sir Juice Sucker of the Navy Blue Training Sweatpants."

Sir Roasted Paperclip of the Green Pants Knight asked his highness if he would like to waltz with the lot of them. "Why, of course! How kind of you to suggest such a time consuming and wonderful-for-one's-health activity!" Yoh and his pants waltzed to waltzing music (what else would it be?).

This is how it worked out : Yoh waltzed w/ his green pants first, while the other pants performed yet another frightening ritual. But of course the Shaman King cast was there! Before his highness they could not laugh outright nor could they say "My pants are better than yours!", or "Your pants suck!", for if they did, severe punishments were to come their way.

By severe punishments, I mean the taking of the pants of the evil one, or the eating of all the evil one's butter supply.

"Wowie kabudles! I'm the Pants King now! For my first law as Pants King, I want everyone else's pants! Yes, you heard me! Hand them over!" said Yoh in a very unlike Yoh tone.

**WHATEVER HAS HAPPENED TO YOH?** **TAKE YOUR PICK!**

(**A**)– Yoh has had way too many butter snacks in his lifetime and now it's taking its toll

(**B**)– The strawberries in paraffin and butter cream icing have taken over Yoh's brain and he can't think quite clearly

(**C**)– Yoh has become too cool to express in words

(**D**)– What are you talking about? That's perfectly Yoh-like!

It does not matter what you've just chosen. That was just for your enjoyment! It is most unfortunate that whatever you picked doesn't determine the ending… ::snuffle sniff sniff::

Yoh and all his pants started doing the can-can, then, ever so swiftly, switched back to waltzing before anyone could witness it. A waltz that was tear jerking, slightly humorous, slightly horrific and at the same time, wonderful. It was a waltz that glimmered with the glory of 5 pairs of pants and their king.

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**A/N** : I'm starting to get writer's block, so if you would like to, please give me any suggestions you have, and I'm sure you'll be loved! I really don't know _whom_ to do next! (I might do Bokuto no Ryu, though…) Please give me suggestions on who to do next, too, please! (ha ha!) Alas, I have written yet another story! It's called "Mr. Clean – the Movie?" a comedy w/ a pathetic attempt at romance! (it's Yona!)

**_To my reviewers, whom I hold in the highest esteem_** :

**KimBob** – Thanks for reviewing ever so promptly! It means a great deal to me that you've read everything I've written! Nothing can get past _your_ eyes! I'm also really glad that I made you laugh, for that means I've fulfilled the duty of writing a comedy!

**MerndaSaysDownWithWormtail** – Lellow, old chum! You reviewed chapters 4-7, even though you did not have to! ::cries tears of gratitude:: Cheers to you, my number one reviewer, who has commented on every single chapter!


	10. Silva

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s**

Disclaimer: Shaman King isn't mine

**Dedicated to the exuberantly cool people of this world who wear pants!

* * *

**

_Silva: One With Nature...Kind of_

It's a wondrous spring day with snow nowhere in sight. The man who is commonly known as Silva has in his repertoire 2 pairs of pants fit for none other than himself.

"My pants are but a spring day!" said Silva who was trying to be poetic. "Oh, woe! Look at this random pile of snow!" said he, pointing to a pile of snow. "My pants! You need not be afraid! Although I foresee treacherous times, we will always be together, in our comfortable alternate universe!"

The pants of Silva are hardly poetic. They're MORE than just poetic. They speak to you in the way art might.

The scene changes and Silva is now on a catwalk with the masses clapping. Only the masses aren't there and the clapping comes from unknown sources. He is showing off the new trend of this season—the pants he wears when judging the Shaman fights.

As he struts his stuff and turns perhaps a bit too much, the new trend is shown in a most

welcoming light. "Ooohs!" and "Ahhs!" come from the audience that isn't actually there.

The fabric is navy—blue to black, most likely a polyester/cotton mix.

A carpet—like thingy is placed most aesthetically on the...on the...uh...front him. It is orange in color keeps Silva from feeling any drafts he might feel whenever. On the left leg, there's an elaborate, nifty contraption.

There's a convenient slot to put his knife in. In between that slot and X—shaped strap, is what appears to be a pocket. Some other straplike things form an X right underneath that, most likely for his pet squirrel. (Come now...who WOULDN'T want a pet squirrel!) Oh yes...everything is orange, that crazy boffin!

On the right leg, a single strap hangs from his pants. This strap is orange and it is connected to the exact same strap on the other side! It is orange as well. I know not whether the bandana thingy that is placed on his waist are part of the pants or is just a decoration...this is sheer speculation...but let's pretend! A bandana that is tied around his waist and is also part of the cool pants, in the color orange and has triangle shape things running around it. There is but another pair of pants that wants description. No, they don't merely _want_ description! They're _begging_ for it!

So here goes. Does everyone know of the shirt he wears when posing as a street vendor? Well, the shirt is of no importance but the pants that he wears in addition to the shirt are beyond important. They have surpassed important and have become a necessity.

(Use you imagination...I don't know what color these pants are! It's sad, isn't it?) They are bell—bottoms! (Is it I or are the grown men in Shaman King quite partial to bell—bottoms?) I imagine they are a rich, dark color. They are long, of course. And covers part of his ultra-shiny shoes. There are pockets where pockets usually are.

The scene changes yet again and Silva is dressed in his street-vending clothes. The camera zooms in on his anything but bland pants, scanning them up and down so that us readers and squirrels could get a good view. Up and down. Up and down. Again and again.

For a brief moment, rather loud screams are heard from the cameraman. It turns out that movie viewers and assorted pedestrians have committed the fifth worst crime of history. Upset that the only thing he/she shot were pants, they resorted to the only thing they could think of.

They broke the cameraman's wonderful footage of Silva's pants. The footage that very well might've determined if this cameraman would go on become one of the greatest cameramen of all time.

"Who cares about the cameraman?", you ask? Yes, who cares? Let's move on!

"Roar!", shouted the pants that had the useful contraption on them. "Yuf8fk! Sar2gthv le0ies 5jk sgfdgd5 9hd t ldf4gj4!" (that's gibberish!)

"Oh, the horror of it all! My pants cannot speak an understandable language!" cried Silva.

"Stupid Silva!" giggled the street vending pants. "They can too speak a language that is understandable! They said 'You! Waltz or go jump off a monkey!'"

"I ACCEPT YOUR INVITATION! Let us dance in a land of eternal bliss!" Silva replied.

They waltzed. Hooray! Silva had never done anything quite as fun in his entire life, this waltzing. Only his fun was long from over. He has yet to waltz with his pants of the unknown color!

* * *

WaltzWaltzWaltzWaltzWaltzWaltzWaltzWaltzWaltzWaltzWaltzWaltzWaltzWaltzWaltz

* * *

One waltz and one fatigued Silva later...

The Shaman King cast had never seen anything quite as pathetic as this. The other waltzes could not compare. They pointed and laughed in joy.

"Enough of your chuckles/giggling/laughing!" Silva said. "Feel the burn (?) as my pants hurt you in the most terrible way imaginable!"

They ran like little chickens. I don't care what the likelihood of these people escaping are. It matters not...for they got hurt in the most disgusting way I have ever seen. It was so disgusting, it was _disgusting_. (Butter was smeared across their faces and they were forced to wear invisible hats.)

"It burns! It burns!" said quite a few of the Mankin gang. "Ha! In your PANTS!" said he by the name of Silva.

* * *

Thus ends the epic of Silva and his most becoming pants.

**FIVE OF THE WORST PRETEND CRIMES IN HISTORY**(_which really are fake!_)

(**1**) January 10, 1556. A man believes he is the ruler of the pants. He runs from household to household, from store to store to steal the pants of the masses. Only he dies a most unfortunate death a few days later. A couple squirrels attended his funeral.

(**2**) (date not available.) Another man who is currently spending the rest of his days living in a tree, was arrested quite a few years ago for not wearing pants. He wore only diapers. He made a petition, which no one signed. Running around in public, he was shunned by his friends and even his family. At his arrest, he said "The greens are coming."

(**3**) 2000. An elderly woman saw a squirrel perched on top of her car one morning. Since this was a grocery store parking lot, she pulled the squirrel off. She mowed the squirrel over repeatedly with her evil shopping cart. A fellow shopper sees her and she is arrested for animal abuse. She claims the squirrel, which is now identified as "Liquid Soap", ate all of her butter supply.

(**4**) August 5, 2003. A young girl in her hometown of a place which does not exist anymore, reportedly told all her classmates to rip their all of their pants to bits. They did so. "First the pants. Then the world!" she was heard to say at one of her meetings which consisted of only evil. At age 30, she was arrested for stealing approximately 50 pairs of children's pants from a department store.

(**5**) (date unknown.) A budding cameraman's footage of a pair of pants is destroyed by movie viewers and assorted pedestrians. He vows to dedicate his life to shooting only pants.

* * *

AN: I have nothing against the people described above because they're all pretend! Yay! Until next we meet, friends!

**_To my reviewers, whom I hold in the highest esteem_**:

**KimBob**-the email I sent you was an apology! In no way, shape or form did you offend me! When I wrote that junk about Ren, I thought that YOU would be offended! So you need not apologize at all!

**sakuuya**-Yay! My long lost friend who has come back on the surface of the Earth! When you didn't review, I thought that you were on vacation in your watercloset! "What the heck is a butter snack?", you ask? A butter snack is a butter stick rolled in sugar, additional butter and then put into a bowl of raw eggs. It is packaged in a fancy box.

**Hao no Hoshi**-I would not mind in the least if you wrote "Manta is for Squares". All I ask is that you please don't copy my stuff!

**Hikaru is Dumb**-Glad you liked the stuff about the candy cane!

**cutie1789-**Thanks for enjoying HoroHoro's chapter! You must really love that guy!


	11. Marco By Way of Lyserg

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s**

Disclaimer: Shaman King isn't mine

**Dedicated to the pants wearing people the world over; may you all be as happy as your pants are.**

_Marco: Beyond the Starch_

"Marco, Marco! Look!" said Lyserg gleefully as he modeled his ultra-short shorts that are pants in the presence of Marco. "Does it not reflect the girl in me?" he questioned when Marco did not stir nor look.

"Oh, no. It resembles the silly nonsensical girl sleeping within you perfectly." Marco said. "It saddens me that my pants do not reflect the inner me. My pants are wonderful, yes.....Lyserg, would you please tell me how they look? Are they form fitting?"

"Marco!!! They're WONDERFUL! So white; so starchy! Those spandex things at the bottom of your pants encompass your legs so well! It's a pity that your cloak-like thingy covers up the glorious pants that the entire world should see! It does too resemble you quite a bit, Marco. I don't know how, but it does, in so many ways." said Lyserg enthusiastically.

"I...I'm not worthy, Marco! Truly I'm not! To be in the presence of pants stationed so much higher than mine...I shudder to think what would become of me if I were to SIT on them!" cried Lyserg, while hyperventilating into a paper bag.

"How true, Lyserg! How true! Your unworthy eyes have set themselves upon scanning my pants! You have DEPRECIATED their value! Oh, what WILL the fan girls say?" Marco sniffed. "I should go online and see how many websites they have dedicated to my pants so far, the pants of the great Marco-sama!"

"Marco....(breathes into paper bag), I...I...want to the faithful servant of the...(breathe), PANTS! Please, I....(breathe), promise to never, ever sit on them...(breathe). I know I'll do....(breathe) a good job! I'll (breathe) protect them with my.... (breathe), life if needed!" Lyserg said in an enormous effort.

"Enough talk, Lyserg. I think it high time that I punish you for doing such evil against my pants! Bwa ha ha!" Marco said. He strapped Lyserg to a chair with the stickiest tape he could find. The tape was conveniently located on top of Lyserg's head, for he had been wearing it as a halo and prancing around like he was the Queen of England.

Finding Lyserg's secret stash of butter snacks, he placed them in front of his little green haired friend. "Do you know what these are, Lyserg?" questioned Marco while ginning an evil grin.

"My bubber packs (My butter snacks)!" screamed Lyserg as Marco ate them one by one in front his very eyes. "Yummy yummy! Bwa ha ha!" said Marco as he chomped on the butter. He also laughed a very long, evil, laugh.

"Oh, my. That was very yummy. I think you should hide more of those elsewhere so that I could have the immense pleasure of eating them again!" Marco said, licking the fancy boxes that the butter snacks came in.

"Oh, Marco, is it you? Is it, Marco?" cried out his pants in fear. For a fleeting moment, Marco thought that it was the imaginary voice of his long lost friend, the toaster who had saved his life more than once in high school. Unfortunately for him, the voice belonged to his pants.

"Marco, do you not recognize the pants whom you love so much? The pants whom you are going to spend eternity with you?" asked his pants. "But of course I recognize you, dearest! Let us do a lively gavotte!" Marco said.

"How about no! 'Tis a waltzing story and a waltzing story it shall be!" said the pants. "Hooray! I can hardly contain my joy!" Marco said unsarcastically.

They waltzed into the night, and for many an hour. Lyserg, unable to get free, watched the waltz in pain and joy. No one else was present except for the three of them. (the Shaman King cast hadn't managed to get in; Marco had bribed them with buttercream icing!)

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AN: Muah ha ha! This chapter is as stupid as they'll get. The "REQUEST LINE" is still open! Just be sure to describe that character's pants—_very _descriptively! So yeah. This story is coming to a close! I wish it would never end, but that's not possible!

_**To my reviewers! **_

**KimBob **–I always love you little monologues! Gah! They're just so funny yet they have an air of cuteness!

**Neko-Neko Faust VIII **–It's odd that you suggested I do Marco's chapter. I was thinking of doing his if no one requested anything. Ironic, nein? You have PLUSHIES?! I want them too! Such good fortune you have....ha ha! I just think Frankensteiny's adorable. We should have a club! We could call it "The Society of the Squirrels".


	12. Anna Kyôyama

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s**

Disclaimer: Shaman King isn't mine

**Dedicated to the pants wearing people of planet Earth, who are the backbone of all the other pants wearing species.**

-

_Anna Kyoyama: Notorious Pants Queen_

Anna is a dress wearing terror, who hardly ever wears pants. It's rather sad, for she has such great pants wearing potential. Why would she wear a dress when she can wear _pants_? Why were dresses even created when everyone could just as happily wear pants and skip freely in them instead?

"Why indeed..." the only pair of pants Anna has said. The first notes of lively waltzing music starts up. Although it is very much against her will, Anna is waltzing with her pants, to the most disturbing music her ears have ever had the pleasure of hearing.

"Do you all see that? That non-pants-wearing-girl-who-wore-pants-once is the Pants Queen, my little pants-like friends!" Yoh the Pants King said to his pants while sitting on his throne.

"It makes me chuckle, this silly waltzing that I do not comprehend. This waltz with pants...it is almost as good as the color orange! But not nearly as good as the smell of freshly manufactured pants, of course! Or the smell of artificially flavored pants, for that matter."

Does it surprise you that this dress-wearing terror who is constantly wearing dresses wore pants once? It certainly surprises Chompy, who is a squirrel that enjoys eating wilted mushrooms while watching the full moon.

In all reality, Anna's pants are really what earthlings would call "shorts". That's all fine and jolly, but what kind of story would this be if it featured shorts? In this alternate universe, her so-called "shorts" are going to magically become PANTS! That's right! All hail the mighty pants who are going to free us from our secular shackles!

These pants have a strawberry on the right side of the pants leg, with the words "Great Berry World" underneath. A wide black belt that has a great big shiny buckle that features a girl in braids with a crown, keep the Pants Queen's pants up!

It appears as though these pants are 83 percent polyester and 17 percent cotton. There are a great many wrinkles, in the many folds of polyester and cotton.

The Shaman King cast in all their silken tofu finery (including their silken tofu pants!), witnessed this waltz. They brought all their camera-like devices to capture this once in a lifetime opportunity to see the Pants Queen actually waltz with her pants.

Yes, they were going to have to pay in some physical or mental way for putting this on film and witnessing it, but it would be worth it. The beatings with the wet noodles would be nothing compared to seeing her highness's pants! Being forced to dance like an idiot would shatter their mentality forever, but why would it matter when they could bask in the glory of the wondrous pants?

The Pants Queen has even greater authority and more privileges than the Pants King. That is because behind every great Pants King, are the Pants Queen's pants. She can steal the Pants King's pants and have full custody of them until he does her bidding, whereas the Pants King cannot do such things.

She can consume grass when partaking of pants wearing. No one in the Pants Court can do that, and that includes the Pants King!

It is not mandatory that she wear pants every waking moment, for she is quite partial to dresses. (the Pants Queen...is so evil! Does she not understand that pants are by far the better gender as opposed to dresses?) The only times when she is permitted to wear dresses are when she is in the presence of herself. Pants wearing is expected of the Queen when she is in public, or surrounded by people who are not the Pants King or herself.

Only on special occasions (Winter Solstice, National Squirrel Day etc.) must she wear pants. Her pants wearing must also take place when in the Pants Court and when settling all royal pants wearing matters.

Chompy waltzed in with his makeshift wilted mushroom pants, laughing in a most charming manner. This scared everyone very muchly, for Chompy was making farm animal sounds in their midst. The mushrooms all but fell off in his wake, revealing yet another pair of pants that were furry and brown. (that's really fur, my friends...)

Chompy shook his open mouth around, causing saliva to fly every which way. Chompy's accomplices (Niblick, Verticillaster, and Troglodyte), performed the mirror image of what Chompy had previously done. Together, the four of them caused a saliva rain shower. It was so much like rain, only with the added bonus of...ENZYMES!

"Is this..._acid_?" Tamao cried. "My skin is starting to peel from this brutal rain with added enzymes!"

"I feel like I'm being DIGESTED!" Hao said, with hands on his head, running around with pants on, screaming. (AN: the enzymes in saliva help you digest stuff!)

Lyserg, who has not been here yet, bursts out of a random door that appeared for no reason at all, trails in with a toaster on a leash. A friendly looking piece of toast pops out and squeaks, a squeak of blood lust! Marco follows him, in a nice, pink, frilly, lacy, thing that would be classified as a dress.

"Do away with that dress wearing fool, your majesty of the pants!" Ryu said.

"Pants Guard, rip his dress to shreds! Before that, though, put pants on him!" Yoh commanded. "I sentence him to a lifetime of pants wearing!"

"No! You cannot do this to me! I will DIE before a pair of pants touches my legs!" Marco said. (apparently, he is forgetting that he too is a pants wearer!)

"Go ahead. Die. It would save us all a lot of effort." Anna said.

"I...I think that I will pick the pants wearing, your highness of the pants," Marco said. Then, in a whisper, he said this: "They can take away my dress wearing freedom! But they will never take away my precious, little, plastic moo moo cow! No, never!" Marco said, laughing in a twisted manner.

The Pants Guard put a pair of training pants on Marco. They ripped his dress to mere shreds, causing Marco to cry.

"Yay! We bear ill will against dress wearers!" the pants wearing court shouted as a sniffling Marco is dragged away by the Pants Guard. (they don't know how the Pants Queen secretly wears dresses without their knowledge!)

The Pants Queen and her pants started their waltz again, dancing to the music of dresses being ripped by the hands (or paws?) of Chompy, Niblick, Verticillaster, and Troglodyte.

-

**The Story Behind the Stuffing**

This is the story of Chompy, a stuffed animal. He is full of beans and stuffing. His fur is synthetic, as are his teeth, ears, and tail.

"The other live squirrels always made fun of me!" Chompy cries, remembering the days when he was just a squirrel-ling. "I was told that I would never become anything more than a mushroom-eating, full moon-watching toy!"

"I was going to prove them all wrong! I was to have the last the last laugh!" Chompy says, laughing madly and rocking on his spineless back.

"To this very day, I still have not figured out a way to prove them wrong!" (AN: Well, his brain IS composed of cotton, after all...) he said, ferociously eating mushrooms by the bag. "I'm going to make them all monumental dunces!"

We all pity poor Chompy. It is not his fault that he has turned the tides of war against his favor—he was just too cool for his own good. All we can do while we sit at home eating our television oriented food is fight for the right thing-squirrel rights.

One day, when humans will no longer oppress the squirrels, firm tofu will become our friends.

-

AN: Anna really does wear pants—in the manga, book 4! I'm uber sorry that I didn't update as soon as I usually do—I got stuck writing Anna's chapter. :3 Is anyone frightened by "The Story Behind the Stuffing"? That extremely short story was the result of boredom and immense love for squirrels!

**-**

_**To my reviewers, whom I hold in the highest esteem**:_

**Trey Jabcobs**-Hello anonymous friend! I thank thee greatly for reviewing and reading mine story. That's makes you cool.

**MerndaSaysDownWithWormtail**-That monkey boy...is going to get you, Mernda-chan, so you'd better hide the ears of your dog! Update update update your Harry Potter thingy because I want to know what happens next! I'll read it, review, and then laugh at you!

**KimBob**-I think it odd that my butter infatuated-ness is rubbing off on you, ha ha! You're the only one who ever answers my questions in the author's note, and I thank you greatly for that! Oh yeah...the things you've been writing? I think I called them monologues...well, I was WRONG-a monologue is when one character speaks! Speaking of which, thanks for writing that really long "thing in which the characters spoke" for me—I had great fun reading it! (domo arigatou for liking mine, even though it wasn't all that great!)

It almost took up half the review page! You make me chuckle! I really want to write one back...but my brain is telling me, "No, you will not! You'll kill off the few brain cells you have left if you dare to commit such an evil act!" You asked why Anna brought all that water to the wedding when you reviewed "The Former Shaman King". Anna brought all that water for fear of someone getting dehydrated! Joke, joke. I was being stupid when I wrote that...so don't take it too seriously, you silly squirrel! The great amount of water that was brought to the wedding was really a plot device and something to make the reader laugh while reading the story!


	13. Amidamaru, Tokagero, Lee Bailong & Bason

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s**

Disclaimer: Shaman King isn't mine

**Dedicated to the pants wearing people on Earth who are very much like soy sauce.**

**-**

_Amidamaru, Tokagero, Lee Bailong Bason: Dead Before Seeing All the Wonders of Modern Day Pants_

"What if I we hadn't died yet?" thought Amidamaru, Tokargero, Lee Bailong and Bason. "If all of you hadn't died yet, you could still wear solid pants!" the pants of Amidamaru squealed.

"Oh, how insightful that was!" the dead pants wearing people said (I got tired of saying all of their names!). "Let's waltz!" the four pairs of pants said in unison. "Come now, if you're going to accompany us you mustn't lack so much finesse!"

Amidamaru thought for the longest time ever about his pants. He even banged his non-solid head against the wall to make flashbacks came forthwith. He couldn't remember a time when he had worn pants. Then, like a sudden flash of inspiration, it came to him.

He looked down, for down was where his pants lived on his no longer solid legs.

**FLASHBACK (of Amidamaru wearing pants)**

He looked down, for down was where his pants lived on his no longer solid legs.

**END OF FLASHBACK **

That was the only time he remembered wearing his pants. As tears came out of his eye sockets (that aren't solid!), his pants consoled him in a soothing manner. They told him that if he didn't stop crying, the pants themselves would pound his face in.

These pants aren't your ordinary ghost pants. Why, they're the pants of a samurai ghost!

The pants of the samurai are black with a floofy white bow sash thing. At the bottom, it seems as though some type of animal his chomped on both sides.

Bason says, "Who gives a poop about Amidamaru's pants? MY pants are way better. I mean, just look at them. See how they sparkle? How if I sit on you with them you'll die?"

PLEASE WAIT AS THE AUTHORESS'S PEANUT SIZED BRAIN FIGURES OUT HOW TO WRITE BASON'S PART. WHILE YOU WAIT, HERE'S SOMETHING FUN TO DO! YOU COULD STICK TAPE WHERE YOUR NOSE HOLES ARE!

Bason sat on a juice box, he too thought of his wonderful pants. He thought that his pants were the best in all the pants of the entire world. Who else could fit their mighty abs of steel inside his pants but him?

Oh, the memories. He remembered the day when he first wore them.

**FLASHBACK (of Bason wearing pants)**

"I thank you greatly for bestowing upon me such a great honor," Bason said as tears streamed down his face. "I promise to wear these pants until the day I am buried!"

"Very good, my pet," his horse Black Peach said. "I know that with these pants, you'll become the greatest warrior of all time! Bason! Bason...just what are you doing?"

"They won't work!" Bason cried. "See, Black Peach? I whacked them on the floor at least 6,666,666 times but they still won't work! They won't dance like the happy hippo I saw at the zoo yesterday!"

**END OF FLASHBACK **

"You know what?" Bason whispered to his pants. "You still don't dance like the happy hippo I saw at the zoo that day..."

While Bason's emotions have taken over, let us describe the coolness of his pants. As the authoress has gone temporarily color blind, she cannot place the colors where they need to be. She apologizes. The pants stick out very much near the top, but as they go down toward the ankles, they are more form fitting.

There are also cool kneepad thingies that shine brilliantly in the noon sun. On the surface of the kneepads are circle thingies that are there because they make Bason look like the fierce warrior that he is. On the pants are the colors purple, red, gold and green that correspond to what was described of the pants.

"I...command you to dance like the happy hippo! Now, pants, now!" Bason said. He commanded, rather.

"Why would I steep so low as to do your bidding?" the pants asked. This refusal made Bason cry very muchly. As Bason cried his invisible tears, his pants skipped circles around him.

"Me next!" Bailong exclaimed, interrupting Bason's 15 minutes of fame. "No, it's my turn!" Tokagero said as he pushed Bailong off a cliff. "Um, I really didn't fall off, you know." "I know THAT! It's just that it's MY TURN, so get out of my light source!" Tokagero said.

"What the eggs are you talking about? There is no light source. Perhaps you meant limelight?" Bailong said thoughtfully. "Now there're LIMES in the way of my light source too!"

"No, you took it literally when I speaking figuratively," Bailong said, shaking his head. "If you must, then I urge you to take the stage before me."

"Ha! I knew you'd give in! Weakling!" Tokagero said as he stuck out his tongue that wasn't solid.

ONWARD FELLOW HOMO SAPIENS AS TOKAGERO'S JOLLY STORY UNFOLDS. I ASSURE YOU THAT IT WILL BE GREAT FUN FOR YOUR TAPED COVERED NOSTRILS.

Tokargero showed his pant to random people he didn't even know. He laughed in their faces because they couldn't see him, for he is but a ghost.

As he watched people pass by in their finest pairs of pants, he remembered how fun it was to just put on pants. The prospect of being able to go back to his childhood and to be able to wear pants again made him feel like he was Cinderella going to that grand ball.

**FLASHBACK (of Tokagero wearing pants)**

"Mother, what are these wretched things that you're forcing me to wear?" Tokagero asked his mother.

"These are pants, Tokagero," his mom replied. "You had better wear them. I obtained them with a great deal of difficulty."

"Okay, mother," Tokagero said, putting the pants on backwards. "That's the improper way to wear pants, Tokagero."

"How about this?" he said, in an attempt to put his pants on his nose. "That too is incorrect, dear," his mother said with an exasperated sigh. (pity the poor woman—her son just doesn't get it).

After around 8 failed attempts at putting his pants on at various places of the body, he was still confused. "They go on your legs, silly child of mine." his mother said as she put the pants on the right way.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

"It'd too bad I still don't remember how to my pants on. I never actually learned. My minions always put my pants on for me," Tokagero said, reminiscing.

As Tokagero ponders the mysteries of how to put his pants on, let's describe the subjects of what he's pondering. His pants are kind of like those pants they wore in the colonial times, which end at his knees, and are purple.

The color purple is seen on practically every inch of his pants, except for the ever-prominent white bow/sash. Padded things surround his waist and go down to about halfway down his thighs.. One on top of the side of the right thigh, another on the left, and one in his frontal area. These pads are darker than the purple of the actual pants.

"All that purple! Does that not signify Tokagero is a man of honorable pants wearing nobility?" Bailong said.

"But of course it does. Whatever were you thinking?" Tokagero said.

"It's your turn, Bailong!" Amidamaru exclaimed. "Oh goody! I can't wait to see what type of pantsful (sakuuya made that word up) memories HE has!"

"My pants have lived longer, ran faster, and jumped higher than any other pair of pants I know!" boasted Bailong. "Even the day I died, my pants were still the best. They cannot be matched. There are no other pairs of pants like them!"

"I know that my pants have come a long way since I first got them. It makes me want to cry whenever I behold their beauty!" Bailong cried as he beheld the beauty of his pants.

"It makes me feel ever so masculine when I can recall the memories of my long lost life!"

**FLASHBACK (of Bailong wearing pants)**

"Wheeee!" Bailong said as he was riding the back of an imaginary pony. "Bailong!" shouted a shrill voice.

"Yes?" Bailong said. "What in heaven's name are you doing wearing a girl's skirt?" his father said.

"Mitten told me to!" Bailong said proudly.

"Who the heck is this 'Mitten', Bailong?"

"Mitten is my invisible friend!"

"You...have... an invisible...friend?" his father said, whose eyes were about to pop out of their sockets. "Mitten says you should refrain from giving him frightening experiences with your eyes, please," Bailong said, talking for Mitten.

"Bailong, would you please tell your friend Mitten to shut up. I command you to take that hideous skirt off. NOW. And put these manly looking pants your mother bought for you on." "But... but Mitten says I look adorable with a skirt on!" Bailong protested.

"You will put these manly looking pants on. You will put them on and you will LIKE it!" his father said, putting the pants on for him. "See? You like them already!"

"No, I don't! Mitten says I look ridiculous!" Bailong cried, tears rapidly increasing.

"Oh, no, I don't think so," his father said. "You see, Mitten DIED 2 seconds ago. His last words were that you should wear pants from hereon in."

"Okay, Mitten! Don't worry! I'll wear pants as long as live! I won't let you down, Mitten! I won't let your death be in vain!" Bailong said with fierce determination.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

"See, Mitten? To this very day I am still wearing pants as you requested!" Bailong shouted. "Although I am dead, my ghost is still wearing pants, as is my immortal jiang-si body!"

While Bailong is trying to go back to his childhood, there seems to be a break in time, so to speak. It's the perfect time to describe the pants of Lee Bailong! His pants are rather long and go all the way down to his ankles. They are the color of doom! (a.k.a the color black!)

A green thing wraps around his waist, with a rectangular gold colored piece of cloth that covers... oh, you know... the front of him. It goes from the waist and stops where the knees are. There's a fabulous design on it, too!

With that explanation, everyone waltzed. The music of the highly anticipated waltz started. Everyone, pants included, got into position. Amidamaru and his pants lead, while Bason followed, Tokagero following Bason, and Bailong bringing up the rear.

"Pathetic."

"Regal."

"Different."

"Strange."

"Random."

Those were the words spoken by none other than the Shaman King cast. All in all, it was stunning. As the ghosts and their pants waltzed hand in hand, unified in mind and body, their faces showed the unmistakable presences of smiles. They had made history that day by being the very first ghosts to waltz with their pants.

AN: It's kind of late to say so, but this was my first fic! **Does Chocolove wear pants? **This chapter came out later than I had wanted it to because I have 4 different stories going on at the same time! It's confusing to do that, but I like it that way because it's easier to generate ideas!

**To my reviewers: **

**Inulover4eva**-You're not an idiot...at least my pants don't think you are! Here's the long awaited update! Yay! Thanks for reading and reviewing.

**KimBob**-Silly! I wouldn't delete your monologues! Yup, only people who like squirrels are trustworthy as you put it. I cannot help but think that Ren has serious mental problems thinking otherwise! I'm going to try writing my own monologue for you!

Horo: Can you smell it, Ren? Can you smell the fresh, minty Christmas?

Ren: All is I can smell in this closet are pants, you idiot.

Horo: GASP! You can't smell the wonderful Christmas waves the pants are emitting?

Ren:sniffs the pants: I smell something, but it's definitely not Christmas...

**MerndaSaysDownWithWormtai**l-Awww it twas so kind of you to review all my chapters! I am forever in your debt!

**DragonStorm85**-Thanks for you review! I did know about Ren's 4th pair of pants—KimBob told me after I posted the chapter!

**killerkow118**-Spam is a most delightful canned food.

**ivanna go shopping**-I thank you for actually thinking this was funny and brilliant!

**Senko**-I'm not possibly mad; I AM mad!


	14. Goldva, Chrom & Kalim

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s**

Disclaimer: Shaman King isn't mine

**Dedicated to the pants wearing people of Earth who most certainly are the coolest beings our planet has ever known.**

The number of times the names Goldva(1), Chrom(2) and Kalim(3) appear: 29

The number of times crayons are mentioned: 4

**-**

_Goldva(4), Chrom(5) and Kalim(6): As the Great Spirit Wills_

Goldva(7), Chrom(8) and Kalim(9) are situated in a gymnasium, rolling around on rubber balls. Clowns in colorful clown costumes made stupid jokes, wore clown pants and shouted obscene things (have you ever heard what they tell little children? HAVE you?). Oh my, I am sorry. That's the wrong setting...

Here's the true setting! Goldva(10), Chrom(11), and Kalim(12) are standing on this sandy lot thing. In the background, there is grass. But this is not your ordinary grass! It's paper colored on with green crayon. The sky isn't really a sky, either. Sky, in this story, is light blue bloomers! Not exactly what the real sky is made of, but it's close enough.

Goldva's(13) pants would make anyone want to chuckle so much to the point where it wasn't even funny anymore! They're so short... What's even more pathetic than what was afore mentioned is that you can't even see all of Goldva's(14) pants. It's covered by this...dress/ceremonial gown/I-am-the-chief-of-my-tribe thing. The little that we can gather about his pants are this: they are short and tucked into his wee booties.

Chrom(15) has some pretty awesome pants. It's a pity he died before knowing the true power of his pants! (they didn't really have any power, but let's pretend.) His pants are long and presumably a dark color. On the left leg, on the thigh, are 3 strap things that encompass the entire thigh. Each are approximately 2 inches apart, and have various things on them.

Chrom(16) has this long thing (it bears an almost scary resemblance to a bath towel!) that covers his frontal area! He has a belt that, to the normal human eye, would be bullets stitched together, side-by-side. What that belt is truly composed of, perhaps we'll never know. Coolio fringe things are at the bottom, from the ankle and stop just before the knee.

Kalim's(17) pants are a completely different story. They go beyond elaborate and are practically ornate. His pants are the same length as Chrom's(18) pants are—long! The rib bones of some animal are on his shins. Ceremoniously placed in the front of him is a towel thing, just like Chrom's(19), only much more decorative.

Yeah, well the exciting part hasn't even come yet. You probably won't believe this, know matter how many times I'll tell you it's true, because it is! He has a BUFFALO SKULL PLACED DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF HIS CROTCH. Isn't that cool? huh? huh? I bet it is. AND! It's the entire truth!

To finish off Kalim's(20) pants, on either side of him are these chain-like things that aren't chains. These chain-like things that aren't chains are really some type of fabric.

And with those explanations, we waltz! Goldva(21), Kalim(22), and Chrom(23) took their pants le—must I describe the entire waltz? You should know it by now! Here's an instant waltz describer if you really need it: they waltzed and waltzed and waltzed and waltzed. Here comes the irony!

A couple of chubby little hands grabbed the pants wearing Goldva(24), Kalim(25) and Chrom(26). Wax crayons colored on the pants wearing people unceremoniously. "Watch the handsome face, you fiend!" Goldva(27) commanded the boy who was coloring on him with a blue crayon.

"Great chieftain, my pants are getting colored on by children!" Kalim(28) wailed. "The greatness of my pants is going to bear a stained legacy!"

"Even if I am dead but brought back temporarily for story purposes, I too can feel the horrible grinding of colored wax on my skin!" Chrom(29) cried.

What a wonderful, terribly happy ending that makes all of us want to dance like idiots.

AN: **Does anyone else (not the people already done), aside from Ryu's gangster** **friends, wear pants in Shaman King? **Oh yeah-I actually have a profile now! I'm not one to dwell on numbers, but I have **52 **reviews, and that makes me so happy that I want to jump off a monkey! Out of all the endings I have ever done, this one is my favorite because it only took like, 0.985654 seconds to think up. (And it's hopelessly stupid yet entertaining.)

**To the reviewers**:

**KimBob**: Chicken, obviously, doesn't taste like chicken. Only the tofu replacement tastes like the real thing! The "things in which the characters speak" is called DIALOGUE! Reading the dialogue you write is really fun—they're humorous and lighthearted! "The Story Behind the Stuffing" amused Chompy, too. (Chompy is a real being—he's my "duffed" animal squirrel whom I love very much!) Your idea is fabulous, and shall be used in the grand finale! You don't have to thank me for reviewing your stories, because I LOVE reviewing stuff! (Thanks-again-for reviewing mine, too!) You know what's scary? I read your profile, and from that, I learned that we're the same age! That makes me chuckle.

**ShadowDown**: Thanks! I get that a lot...people tell me I'm out of whack all the time...By the way—I like your pants.

**Rayless-Demon**: That is the point of my story! You figured it out! To amuse and scare in such a way that makes the reader want to pee in their pants! Thank you for reviewing practically every chapter I've written—that makes you cool.

**kittykid**: kee hee, it was so kind of you to read and review! Bonkee's going to love you forever and ever... Glad you liked it, Sparrow-chan!

**Raikku of the Darkness**: Hello to you, too, Amidamaru lover! Thanks for that Card Captor Sakura thing! I didn't write you back because I'm an old man (and we talk on IM, so...yeah)! Thank you for reading, for reviewing, and for liking my writing style. It means a lot to me!


	15. Gangsters

**W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s**

Disclaimer: Shaman King isn't mine.

Claimer: Cousin, in all her deformed glory, belongs to me and you are liable to eating outrageous amounts of kitty litter if she is found dead on your doorstep. Joke, joke...

**Dedicated to the people of Earth who wear pants that are fighting for the greater good without realizing it: pants wearing!

* * *

**

_Apache, Blue Chateau, Space Shot, Muscle Punch and Ball Boy: Pants Wearers United_

These pants wearing gangsters are going where no other pants wearing gangsters have ever gone before - a talk show.

* * *

The host was, of course, a geekling named Cousin. Our gangster friends are seated on an uncomfortable couch composed of rather sharp nails, whereas the host sits on a soft chair of leather. 

"Greetings, friends," Cousin began. "On today's show, our guest stars are: Apache, Blue Chateau, Space Shot, Muscle Punch and Ball Boy! Do tell me, dears, how you got into the razzle-dazzle business of wearing pants in the first place."

"Yes, I can tell you!" Ball Boy said. "I love wearing pants so much that it's unhealthy! It all began when..."

"Uh-huh..." Cousin said, nodding her deformed head. Did he intend to keep running his mouth?

"...then, my mother told me to get off the barnacle-covered man, and I said "No!" and she said "NOW!" and I said "No!" an—" Ball Boy said, stopping abruptly for he was intrigued by the scene that was unfolding in front of him. Cousin was rolling around on the floor, hands over her ears, and was wailing in a screechy voice.

As suddenly as she had started rolling on the floor, she got up again and sat back down. "How often do your wear these pants of yours, Ball Boy?" she asked, much to the astonishment of her guest stars who were gaping at her as though she'd told them to commit suicide and then come back to life again.

Apache regained his composure and replied in a dramatic manner. "He wears those pants...every...waking...moment!" Apache cried, burying his face into his hands.

"The extent of his love for pants is shown by his lack of an article of clothing called a 'shirt'!" Blue Chateau said proudly. "I, for one, wear pants as a means of protection!"

"Protection...?" Cousin said slowly. "Do tell!"

"Yes, Blue Chateau, tell us!" Ball Boy, Space Shot, Apache and Muscle Punch chimed in.

"Well, okay. My pants are long and come with a nice, friendly belt!" Blue Chateau said happily.

"How very descriptive you are, my friend," Cousin said, adjusting her wire rimmed glasses with plastic wrap for the lenses. She turns her deformed face towards the sobbing Apache. "My, my Apache! What a big boy you are!" she said, tying a bib on him and attempting to comfort the disconsolate pants wearing man.

"I...am...NOT...a...boy!" Apache roared, for his sobs had come to an abrupt halt. The bib was destroyed soon after.

"Apache! We didn't know! How terribly gross!" Ball Boy, Space Shot, and Muscle Punch said, each of them, in turn, making a face of utter shock.

"I...am a man who wears pants!" Apache said proudly, jabbing his thumb at his chest. "How do I tell the story of my pants to such a simpleton?" he said, throwing a glance at Cousin who was asking Ball Boy what would happen if she taped her mouth and nostrils shut.

"Listen, everyone!" Apache said. Everyone turned his way. Everyone except for Cousin who was attempting to tape her mouth and nostrils. "That includes you, Cousin!"

"Oh...right!" Cousin said, hastily hiding the tape roll from sight and turning her attention towards Apache.

"My pants are of a length that exceeds the ankles! At the bottom, there are cuffs and this belt compliments my tastefully made pants." Apache said.

"Oh, how delightful!" Cousin said, clapping her hands. "Muscle Punch, would you like to tell us all about the wonders of your pants?"

"I refuse to tell any of you a story," Muscle Punch said. "My pants may be extremely short, but that does not make for a wimpy pants wearer! It's quite the opposite of that!"

"He's ashamed of how short they are," whispered Space Shot to Cousin.

"I am NOT!" Muscle Punch insisted.

"You are too! Why do you wear that coat, then? It covers up approximately half of your magnificent pants and prevents people from seeing them at their best!" Space Shot said.

"Space Shot, what wonderfully long pants you have!" Cousin said, admiring them.

"Yes, I know. They're so spectacular that I don't even need to describe them!" Space Shot said happily, standing up so that the entire audience could be in awe of their magnificent pants-like glory.

"Hey, we aren't finished yet, buddy," Muscle Punch said, grabbing Space Shot by the collar. "EAT THIS!"

**Please wait for a few minutes...**

"That, my friends, is what we call BRUTAL!" Cousin said. "Such horrific violence..."

"Yeah! I liked the part when Muscle Punch gave Space Shot a heartfelt hug!" Ball Boy said.

"No, it was better when they shook hands and admitted they were wrong!" Blue Chateau said, giggling.

"Shut up, you! Just because the pants I wear have an oval buckle, are baggy and cover all the parts of my legs doesn't mean you can insult me!" Space Shot said, flopping onto his stomach and throwing a temper tantrum.

"Would you just look at that DRAMA!" Cousin said excitedly, turning towards the audience. "The highs and lows of the emotional roller coaster! These are the wild, strong surges of feeling that average, pants wearing homo sapiens experience each day!"

"Oh Cousin!" all five of the gangsters said.

"Yessss?" Cousin replied, turning to face them with grapes stuck up her nostrils.

"Gragh!" the evil pants wearing children said, stealing Cousin's pants. They then proceeded to run off the stage, waving the pair of pants that had been confiscated.

"That was stupendous, my guest stars!" Cousin said cheerily, standing on the empty stage with only her makeshift paper bag shirt and kilt on. The grapes were long gone, for she had stuffed them in her mouth, chomping away without taking heed of where they had previously been. "You can come back with my pants now!"

Cousin then scans the audience, and it suddenly dawns upon her that everyone has abandoned their seats. Even the stage and filming crew had disappeared, and she was the only one standing on the dimly lit stage.

"Um...guys?" Cousin said. An involuntary twitch in her right arm causes her to punch herself.

"You know Ball Boy's pants? Well...they are in my possession!" Cousin said jovially, putting the overly large pants on. "And he didn't even know realize it after all that time...the mere rolling on the ground was a distraction, and the fool thought there was something wrong with my head! Well, he's right!" she finished, taping her nostrils and mouth shut.

* * *

AN: I would love to write an X-laws chapter next, but I don't know all their names and what their pants look like! If I can't gather enough info, the next chapter shall be the last. And yes, I do intend to write a sequel! "Nay, SquirrelFraulein! Don't!" Bonkee is constantly telling me. We shall see.

* * *

**_Extremely Slow Responses to Your Inquiries and Comments_:**

**ShadowDown**: I can't remember whether I acknowledged you in the last chapter or not, so I'm acknowledging you again! YeahI guess you could call "scary" my specialty! I enjoy doing that very much, this scaring of the people. No, I didn't forget Ren's pants with the holes on the side! I just forgot to mention how there were strangely cut holey things, due to human error. :D

**KimBob**: It makes me feel like a right ray of sunshine being able to always make you laugh. As for this being a good story... um, right on? I'm not quite sure what to make of it, but I am most grateful to you for saying things of that nature! Go ego-boosting supplements! (laugh) GUESS WHAT? I dedicated one third of a story to you, and it's called, "Memoirs of a Casablancan Fool"! Also, I'm going to try writing dialogue for you again! It makes me feel sad when you're writing all that fun stuff for me, and me being the lazy, uninspired beast that I am haven't been writing them back!

Ren: Oh KimBob, how I love your pants and feminine grace!

Horo: Yeah. You look, smell and taste just like an old man!

SquirrelFraulein: I concur, Horo! It is fascinating to think that I am in her presence!

Lyserg: Woe unto those who do not drink their daily calcium pills like good children should!

**Raikku of the Darkness**: Sorry for signing off without saying bye—my stupid brother kicked me off! I shall attempt writing an X-laws chapter! Lyserg isn't that pitiful, though—he's just too masculine for the likes of all us feminine people. Those nice men in their white jackets are taking me to the place across the street from your insane asylum. Come visit me sometime—it's called, "Home of the Mentally Challenged". I get to play with spongy shaped things, run into soft, cushioned walls and receive therapy!

**Raikua**: Why didn't I think of using the word "epitome"? Hmm... maybe because I'm a loser? Yeah, that sounds right. Well, I finally updated so now you CAN read more! Woot woot!

**loser with a llama**: Okay, let's be friends. I like friends. Are llamas real? Or are they a figment of our imagination? All this thinking is starting to hurt my brain...

**lenora: **Yay for pants! EVERYONE loves pants, for pants are what makes the world go 'round!


	16. What Pantslessness Can Do

**To all my fabulous reviewers for a lovely, enchantingly stupid 16 chapters! My wish is that everyone – no matter how normal they are – shall wear pants and become one with them.**

_Barmy: The Conclusion_

A hand from out of nowhere grabbed his neck, constricting his airways. Attempting to punch whoever was doing this to him, he turned his head approximately 20 degrees, only to see his own hand clutching his neck, depriving him of the oxygen that was vital to his survival.

That is the kind of sad, pathetic world those who do not wish to wear pants live in. And that was how it was with Chocolove and his pants - less life.

* * *

Meanwhile, a person who did not appreciate the true splendor of pants by the name of Jun was trying to pay a parking meter with biscuits. She wasn't doing this for sheer fun, but rather, to park her cardboard box. 

Only this unusual approach wasn't quite working, and she started to kick the inanimate meter. She must have forgotten, momentarily, that she wasn't wearing pants but a pathetic _dress_, and dresses don't allow the wearer to kick parking meters freely without a cost.

As she lifted her right leg up, the dress too went up alongside it. The two stopped in midair, never reaching the parking meter Jun had so wanted to kick with all her "awesome leg strength". (Yes, it would be "awesome" if she had any leg strength. For you see, a pair of legs is nothing without a pair of pants. Pants cause average, everyday beings such as lamps to transform into diabolic and merciless beings with laser beams.)

Unbalanced on only one leg, she toppled over and fell onto a nice, fluffy, creamy pie Hao had placed underneath her several seconds before impact, which had probable traces of cholesterol.

Hao ran and slid into a mailbox headfirst in a most conspicuous manner; laughing himself stupid and reading letters addressed to people he didn't know nor wish to in the comfort of his own special box containing mail.

Standing once more, Jun (who was covered in cholesterol and bits of pie crust) stompled on the remnants of the pie, laughing with vindictive pleasure.

_the aftermath..._

The pie, having suffered an early death, was demolished and no longer the friendly noun everyone had known as "tasty and had probable traces of cholesterol".

Jun shook the mailbox with Hao so vigorously that when she chanced a peek inside, she was greeted by a sea of the contents of what was formerly in Hao's stomach.

"Let it be a lesson to you," Hao said brightly, "That you should never, ever, wear dresses in a story with pants reigning supreme."

* * *

Keiko Oyamada knew nothing of her fate. She knew not that she would be placed in a story where people who wore dresses, skirts, sarongs and the like had the mickey taken out of them. Perhaps it is because of this, she unwittingly chose to dress her daughter, Mannoko, in a hideous skirt thing, which shall prove foolish, even more so than an old man wearing artifical pudding pants. (If you should ever feel the need to do such a thing, I would like to save you some time by telling you that this idea, ingenious though it is, does not work.) 

"Grrrr," Mansumi Oyamada said, "I have not had a chapter centered on me, even though I, unlike those pathetic dress, skirt, sarongs and the like wearers, can take in the greatness of the pants. Psshhhtt...I even WEAR pants! But do I even get a chapter titled, "Mansumi Oyamada"? No. What kind of story is this? I demand a refund!"

Never mind that old man. Although he does wear pants, he is of little importance as of now since SquirrelFraulein is currently bashing people who wear dresses, skirts, sarongs and the like, and is having far too much fun to restrain herself.

"Mother, mother, mother!" Mannoko cried, or bellowed, rather.

"What is it...um...fool? No...uh...western savage? That's not right...Mannoko! Yeah, that!" Keiko said, performing a happy dance when she finally remembered her daughter's name.

"How could you...How could you have dressed me like this, and to be seen in PUBLIC!" Mannoko said furiously, punching the mirror in front of her while pieces of glass flew everywhere.

"I dressed you that because it's cute...and because I wanted to differentiate you from Manta as your resemblance to each other is frightening," Keiko added in an undertone.

"I should think that since I'm 5 years old, my wardrobe would have at least one pair of pants!"

"Well, I'm 37, and not one pair of pants has ever touched my legs! Never!"

"But I don't WANT to wear this skirt! It is an infamy to mankind! And why should Manta wear pants? Why can't I?"

"Dear dear, I wasn't aware that you were part of the human race! That aside, I'm not actually sure you're even a man… Because, my dear, Manta is a boy," Keiko said, "It order to tell you and Manta apart, your father and I decided that Manta would be allowed the freedom of pants wearing, whereas you would be denied it. Tell her, Manta."

Manta walked in, donning a rather fashionable pair of pants that would make anyone snigger.

"I am a freelance pants wearer and there's nothing you can do about it! Meer meer woof woof!" Manta said, very much with the air of one rubbing it in the face of another.

"That's pathetic!" Mannoko said while thrashing about and ramming her head onto a pillow, letting out several severe screams of pain after repeating the process several times in a row. "Manta and I don't look alike!"

"But you do!" Keiko said, holding up two photographs, one of a carrot and the other of a radish.

* * *

**Drabble That Shall Make People of Greater Intelligence Laugh…**

"This...this THING!" Silva exclaimed. "It's a...erm...what is it?"

The thing screeched loudly and made obscene gestures.

"Well, it tastes quite like a monkey," Silva said, tasting the object. "It even feels like one...I can see that it is of the monkey race...It is making monkey sounds...and it certainly smells like one!"

HOWEVER, Silva was sadly mistaken. The thing wasn't exactly a monkey, and it wasn't necessarily a thing.

It was...an economy-sized bag of toilet paper rolls! Ah ha ha...sucker, thy name is Silva.

* * *

AN: Plans for the sequel have died. I'm truly sorry, and to compensate for giving you all false hope, I shall ask someone to push me off a cliff while I'm baking VIKING FOOD! 

The review responses are a tad longer than usual, as this IS the finale, and I wanted to thank lots o' pipples for their support and yes, I suppose, even for the fear they bear towards me...Run, little children, run! (What little children? Where? There, in that mass of nothingness? I say we eat them!) It's strange...my first story...finished. I suppose I ought to celebrate... by writing you all lengthy responses that shall make you wonder what exactly went wrong during my birth.

* * *

**Bouts of Gratitude for Your Existence & Cheers to You All:**

**darkshadowgirl**: I have never been threatened with death before! Now, my life feels complete! Thanks buddy!

**raikua**: Ultimately, I didn't write an X laws chapter. No one else knew all their names, and as I didn't know them myself, I couldn't! Yay! I heart pants very muchly, and Marco's pants that have been lowered in masculine values and are disgustingly starchy is no exception.

**rikku - 099**: My compy is mean and it won't let me put the hyphen/dash thing in your penname the way I want to, so that's why it might look demented. Dumb compy...  
I've never been called a warlock before! That makes me feel special. How can you "Live today like there is no tomorrow" if it's the day after tomorrow? I'm confusing myself! What fun! It is indeed an honor to have the likes of rikku – 099 (once again, I do believe my compy has thwarted me) review this story, as I have not had the joy of meeting her before. Ah, how I love thee, fate! For being so cool, you can have a porcelain toilet!

**Raikku of the Darkness**: I thank you for reviewing the last few chapters! It was so very nicey nice nice of you (kee hee)! For more important matters... They took the retarded guy's body away because I gave him a defected sponge, and he kind of...died. The nice men in their clean, white coats visited me today and I told them I was no longer a danger to society, and they exchanged looks of disbelief. Then, they set me free, I tell you! That's right, free! And now, I shall wreak havoc upon the world and it inhabitants that do not abide by my supreme command as I sit in my new cell with the word "freedom" painted everywhere.

**KimBob**: Domo arigatou for all the silly dialogue you've written for me. They were loads of fun to read, and were a source of inspiration during the course of this story. You're the coolest life form I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and I would like to thank your pants, the academy, recyclable goods, clouds, squares, sugar cubes, and the old men of our planet.

**ShadowDown**: It was rather kind of you to review the majority of the older chapters when you didn't have to! I wish you the best in life, in food, and in shopping for your next pair of pants, my friend who dwells in the shadows.

**pookiepie**: "Good". That makes me chuckle quite a bit, more than just a spot of tea, even. I...want...to...pound...your...cake...up! UUURAAAAAAAAH! Well, no, not really. You don't even have a cake, do you?

**sakuuya**: Thank you for discovering my story, and I want to dedicate a paddle animal to you! (They don't exist outside my realm of imagination, so I don't know how that would work.) You probably wouldn't recognize the story now because I've changed the summary so frequently; it's not even funny. And I like funny!

**kittykid**: I want to say thank you at least a million times, but I would get parched and might fall asleep in between my bouts of gratitude! All I can say at the moment is that I want to thank you for putting up with my unhealthy fascination with toilets, and most of all, for your support.

**MerndaSaysDownWithWormtail**: You were always reviewing in the days when this story was taking off (I completely lost my head and even my bum when you reviewed, as it was my very first review and that's something I don't think I can ever rid my mind of) it was as though you were feeding me hope pills...on a string. No, really! Thanks budum, and I shan't ever forget it even if wild beasts of the Mediterranean pound my brains mercilessly in an attempt to _make_ me forget.


End file.
